The Pressure to be Perfect

For my first post in a while, something somewhat serious: 

I'm finally able to put into words what caused me to develop panic disorder when I went to college, and it will probably sound silly to some of you.

I was always, from like kindergarten, labeled as one of the "smart kids." I was in enrichment programs, honors classes/societies/rolls, and just generally recognized for academic achievement. I vividly remember going into the bathroom at school and crying when I got my first B. 

I was decent at a few other things like choir, but school was my identity.

As I'm sure many other kids in my situation realized (as I realize, there are many other kids who put crazy amounts of pressure on themselves to perform academically, my best friends being some of these people) going from being a special smart freakin snowflake in high school to a small fish in the big pond of college and real life can be super hard.

Basically, when I got to college where classes were harder and life in general was harder, I felt like I completely lost my identity. Which basically resulted in daily panic attacks and a general sense of low self-esteem and self-consciousness.

I went from being supremely confident and funny to struggling to make all new friends while keeping up with the impossible academic standards I'd set for myself, as well as not really knowing what I wanted to do "when I grew up." One of my biggest regrets is missing out on a lot of normal college experiences because my anxiety was so high.

I think the transition from high school to college can be an incredibly disillusioning experience for a lot of people, and it isn't until now, after just finishing my junior year of college, that I can somewhat put it into words. 

I'm not all better, and I'll probably have anxiety issues for a long time, but figuring out what I want to do as a career helped a lot. So did finding out that I wasn't alone and that other people had experienced the same kind of stressful identity crisis post-high school after being perfectionist students. Hopefully when I'm an English teacher I can help my students create healthier expectations for themselves and avoid the same honors student anxiety freakout that I experienced.

Being so type A about school did help me in a lot of ways. I'm very driven and hard-working, and doing well in high school is the only way I could afford to be going to a university now. Still, I hope when I have kids I can teach them not to put so much pressure on themselves when it comes to academics. 

I mostly wrote this for myself, because I like to write and putting things into words is kind of therapeutic for me. Also, though, I think that there's an attitude among most people that if you're "smart" or "good at school" that school is easy for you and should be a fairly stress free experience. If any of my followers are in high school now and are someone like me who stresses themselves out to the point of a physical panic attack over doing perfectly on an assignment, basically I'd like them to know that they aren't alone, because I would've liked to know that before my anxiety issues went as far as they did. 

Pics Or It Didn't Happen: Keeping It Classy In The Age Of Social Media

As a complete social media junkie, I understand the temptation to update everyone you've ever met in regular intervals of what you're doing. Cute new manicure? Instagram that shit. Going to a new bar? Better check in on facebook. Wearing a particularly cute outfit? You should probably post an Outfit of the Day post on your tumblr so your internet friends and acquaintances will think you're someone with style (even if this cute outfit is the first time you've been out of sweatpants in days).

I love OOTD posts as much as anyone

That being said, there are some people I'm sure I would like a lot better if I never saw them tweet again. People who hashtag #prettygirlproblems, I'm talking to you. Who are you trying to convince? Without sounding too much like my high school cheerleading coach when she handed out of "code of conduct" contracts to sign, your internet presence probably shouldn't make you look like a self-involved, drunken barbie with questionable morals an ego the size of One Direction's fan base.

Yep, I'm sure that's why.

Keeping it classy in this day and age is difficult when it takes all of two seconds to add a filter to a picture of you doing a keg stand and put it out there for the whole world and your grandma to see. But that's why it's all the more important. There seems to be an attitude amongst my generation that if you don't tweet about something it somehow didn't really happen. But I guarantee you, it did! My best friends and I had a girls night a few weekends ago while everyone was home from school. We didn't take any pictures. Guess what? It was still SO MUCH FUN. And no one had to know about it.

We did take pictures on NYE, but look! Everyone is fully clothed and no one looks like a hot mess (yet)

This is especially important when it comes to your more reckless decisions, like drunken injuries and especially rough nights out. Maybe it's just me, but if I'm struggling home at 5 AM with a sprained ankle because I fell off the table I was dancing on, I don't consider that my finest moment. Or one that I want my Facebook friends reading about.
So next time you feel the urge to whip out your phone and tweet about your walk of shame, your fifth selfie of the day, or your #princessproblems (Real tweet: "Ugh I hate painting my own nails! #princessproblems), RESIST. Try instead to keep your updates to your friends in the realm of the funny, relevant, and intelligent. If you're looking for inspiration, I'm hardcore in love with Mindy Kaling. In 10 years, you'll be really glad you did. (Trust me. I recently found my Xanga from 7th grade. It's not pretty).

This girl knows how to tweet.

I Get My News From Huffington Post (& Other Signs I Am Not A Real Adult)

As a big city collegiette, it's easy sometimes to be so caught up in my busy schedule of classes, work, and sorority business that I forget I'm only twenty years old (one month til 21!). I've always been "mature for my age" (whatever that means), and often like to think of myself as an adult. Thankfully, I'm not, because I much prefer this college version of pseudo-adulthood to the full-blown, real, bill-paying kind. So without further ado, the top five parts of my life that bring me down to earth and remind me that I'm not quite my mother yet.

1. My go-to source for news is The Huffington Post.
Because who doesn't love a website where you can get both analysis of the economy and a story about Kim Kardashian's maternity wardrobe? And who needs things like original stories when they can provide the links to the original stories? And who cares about the occasional typo? I just want to get enough world knowledge to feel like I'm up to date. I also want to read about the Haylor break-up. Sue me.

2. My bank account. Period.
Around this time of year after paying for Christmas presents, textbooks, and sorority dues, I start to get good morning texts every morning from my good friend Chase. By good morning texts, I mean low balance alerts. Nothing makes you wallow in self-loathing more than that text after every purchase letting you know that you really shouldn't have bought that salad from Panera.

3. My idea of a home-cooked meal usually involves something out of the freezer.
I love fast food. I love restaurant food. I love pretty much any food that someone else prepared for me. If it weren't for the current state of my finances, I would probably eat out every day, no shame. My fantasy life involves marrying rich so I can have an in-home chef. Clearly, I'm lazy when it comes to cooking. Sometimes I'll try to "be good" and make my boyfriend and I dinner. As adventurous as I've gotten with that is pasta with vodka sauce, and I was beyond proud. Nevermind the fact that he took over halfway through so I wouldn't burn the house down.

4. I don't know how to change a tire. Or do my taxes. 
Every year when it comes time for tax season, I call up my dad. In fact, writing this reminded me to add that to my to-do list. He works at a bank and knows all the good grown-up money things and does his own taxes every year. And mine. He has also been begging me for years to let him teach me how to change a tire, and I have thus far avoided it. That's what AAA is for, right? 

5. My laptop case is neon orange. I bought it at Victoria's Secret PINK.
This past semester, I started my observation hours at a high school. I already look like I'm about 14 years old, so I went out to New York & Company and bought some "teacher clothes" in an attempt to look a little more authoritative. However, nothing nullifies your authority like carrying a floral backpack and encasing your electronics in girly colored cases. I love my pink Vera Bradley Kindle case, but it doesn't really scream "serious young professional".

Adventures in Monogamy

"Is it still a walk of shame if all you did last night was watch National Treasure 2?"
This is a question I ask myself as I take the red line home from Brandon's apartment in norts and last night's makeup. Some of the fabulous single girls I know have a tendency to idealize what it would be like to have a steady man in their life. Well, I'm here to myth bust the shit out of your vision of the perfect college relationship.

Expectation: Cutesy "fall" dates where you and your perfect man wear matching vintage sweaters and carve pumpkins while drinking pumpkin spice lattes.
Reality: We live in dorms. Where were you planning on putting that expertly carved pumpkin? Outside your door? Stolen within 15 minutes. In your room? I hope you enjoy the smell of rotten pumpkin. Personally, I'd much rather paint a cute pattern on a pumpkin like I've seen on pinterest, which is probably better done with your best girlfriends than a guy. He won't appreciate your perfect replication of Lilly patterns.

Expectation: Disney movie marathons that end up less than PG-13 on his couch.
Reality: Watching Nic Cage attempt to steal some document that isn't the Declaration of Independence (I was sleepy and confused) on TBS while the boy struggles to stay away on the other side of the couch because his cold medicine made him sleepy too. In bed by ten, kids.

Damn, we're attractive.

Expectation: Constant "I love you's" and cuddling all night long
Reality:
     Me: Night, love you
     Him: *unintelligible sleep talk mumble*
     Me: What?
     Him: Wait, what'd you say?
     Me: I love you...
     Him: Oh. I think I said something about peanut butter.

Sorry ladies, real life isn't a Nicholas Sparks novel

Now don't get me wrong, I adore the man in my life and wouldn't trade my reality for the world. Just a reminder that for single ladies, the grass is not always greener on the other side, and odds are, being in a relationship is not as crazy romantic as you imagine it would be! As the saying goes, you'll find the love of your life when you start doing the things you love. So don't spend your best years chasing down Mr. Right, spend them at happy hour with your best friends. And hey, maybe your "right guy" will find you there.

Confessions of a Sober Sally

In Honor of Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week...that's a mouthful. This is my attempt at educating my followers about my invisible chronic illness, because the more you know the more you can help anyone around you who might have an illness you aren't even aware of, because about 96% of illnesses are invisible: meaning people who have them show no visible signs.

My Chronic Invisible Illness Awareness Survey!
AKA, 30 Things About my Invisible Illness You May Not Know

Me and my favorite fellow Sober Sally, Tali, doing our best sorority girl leannn

1. The illness I live with is:
Crohn's disease

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year:
2010
3. But I had symptoms since:
About 5th grade? So 2002.
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: 
Knowing my limits without being limited. A common side illness of people with Crohn's is anemia, so I'm very tired almost always. I can't go out and get drunk and stay out til 4 AM like a lot of other kids in college, which can be tough on my social life, but my good friends understand. And I like to think I'm still pretty fun :)
5. Most people assume:
That I'm just a homebody/lazy. When I don't go out on a Friday because I'm having a flare, people tend to assume I just don't feel like it. And if I miss a class I often worry that my classmates and professors think I just don't care about the class, when in reality, during a flare it's a struggle to go anywhere.
6. The hardest part about mornings is:
Feeling rested, no matter how much I've slept.
7. My favorite medical TV show is:
Ahh I don't watch any, is that weird? I'm all about SVU and Criminal Minds.
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is:
My computer, definitely. On a Friday night when your stomach hates you and you can't go to a party with friends, Netflix is your BFF.
9. The hardest part about nights is:
Nights aren't terrible unless I'm in a flare, which then makes it hard to sleep because I'll wake up with stomach cramps.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins.
7+
11. Regarding alternative treatments I:
Drink a lot of ginger ale? Haha yeahh that's terrible but true. I actually have found yoga somewhat helpful, because my life is a sick joke in the way that I suffer from panic disorder (a subset of anxiety disorders), and Crohn's is made worse by stress. So whenever I get panicky or upset, my stomach responds badly. For that, yoga and anxiety medications have been helpful.12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose:
Both are really terrible, neither?
13. Regarding working and career:
In spite of the fact that a lot of people with Crohn's end up working from home, my case is (hopefully) not ever going to be that severe. I have had a part time job the whole time I've had Crohn's, and I'm currently getting my degree to become a high school English teacher, something I'm very passionate about.
14. People would be surprised to know:
That my illness bothers me more than people realize. I'll blog about it occasionally, but if it gets brought up in real life I generally brush it off like it's not a big deal. In reality, it's really hard to deal with constant stomach aches and feeling tired all the time when you're only 20. And it's even harder because a lot of people don't really know anything about what Crohn's is.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been:
That there is no cure, and no "growing out of it". This is a disease I'll have for life.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was:
End up in a serious relationship. Crohn's is a super NOT glamorous disease, especially for a girl to have, and while my best friends were always super supportive and hilarious about it (we made lots of jokes), it's not something you want to bring up on a first date. Luckily, I'm with an incredibly understanding person who never makes me feel awkward and is always mindful of when I'm not feeling well. When I visit his family he even makes sure they have plenty of ginger ale :)
17. The commercials about my illness:
OH MY GOD DON'T GET ME STARTED. They're all like, "are you constantly running to the bathroom?" If I had a dollar for everyone who told me they saw a Crohn's commercial and thought of me and I cringed, I'd be a millionaire. It just bothers me because there's a lot more to Crohn's that=n "constantly running to the bathroom".
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is:
Um, drinking? That's gonna sound really bad and make me sound like an alcoholic, but really. It's hard being in college and not having that social aspect, especially since I'll be turning 21 so soon. And sometimes I just want a glass of wine! (or five).

19. It was really hard to have to give up:
Luckily I haven't had to give up much, except money. My pills are HEINOUSLY expensive. Which is one of the major reasons I'm allll about Obama 2012, y'all, read some of my previous posts.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is:
Blogging about my illness! Crohn's is one of those things that people either don't know about or are misinformed about. I've also become more politically involved, because healthcare costs so directly affect everything in my life now. Oh, and yoga.
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would:
Oh god I would eat some bleu cheese fries from Al's roast beef and then I would get drunk off my ass. Again, that sounds bad. Sorry I'm not sorry.
22. My illness has taught me:
Empathy. People who need help paying for their tests or medications aren't asking for a handout, they're just asking for the necessary objects to be healthy enough to live and contribute to society. Also, it's made me able to put things in perspective. There's a quote from Garden State, by Natalie Portman's character (who is epileptic) that really sums it all up really well:

You laugh. I'm not saying I don't cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously. Plus, I look forward to a good cry. It feels pretty good.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is:
“You could drink." Yes. I could. I won't die from it. But I will spend the entire following day in extreme, extreme pain.

24. But I love it when people:
Ask genuine questions and care about the answers.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:
Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim. 

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them:
There will be bad days and there will be good days, but don't let your illness define you.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is:
That having a chronic illness isn’t the end of the world. It makes my life more difficult, yes, but everyone faces adversity. Mine is just in the form of inflamed intestines.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was:
Brandon amazes me every day that we spend together. When I have bad days, he never pressures me to go out or do anything I can't or don't want to do. He just sits with me and watches Storage Wars and brings me ginger ale :)
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because:
It’s not something that I’ve been involved in before, but it's vitally important that people realize that just because someone seems healthy and fine doesn't mean they aren't struggling with something you can't see.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel:
Flattered.

Why Politics are Personal

"Our grandparents should be able to afford their medicine, our kids should be able to see a doctor when they're sick, and no one in this country should ever go broke because of an accident or illness."
Michelle Obama's speech literally brought tears to my eyes. She said so many things that I found myself saying "yes! that's exactly how I feel!", whether it was regarding women's reproductive rights, marriage equality, or student loans.
But the issue that always hits home most for me is the cost of healthcare. We live in a country where you could get hit by a car walking down the street one day and six months later lose your house trying to pay for the medical bills. It's horrifying, and it's wrong.
Slightly over a year ago, my dad had a stroke. We were on family vacation, I was napping after a long day on the lake, and my uncle came in and told me to hurry up and get outside because my dad had collapsed.
That was literally the worst day of my twenty years of life thus far.
Seeing my dad, who coached my t-ball games and took me to White Sox games and helped me with my math homework, convulsing on the ground- it was the most emotionally trying time of my life, dealing with his stroke, and little did I know it wouldn't end after the hospital.

In one respect, my family has been unbelievably lucky- my father, while obviously not at 100% good health, has no lasting effects from the stroke: he can speak and use all of his limbs appropriately, and after about a month in the hospital he was able to return to work.
In another respect, we're still suffering the aftershock. My dad, who wants to help my sister and I pay for school more than anything, can't get a loan because he's in such debt from the medical bills. The stroke nearly killed him, and now it's taking his life savings, too. My family already has a lot of medical expenses because of my Crohn's, and now my dad has to try and come up with a way to help me pay for my medicine and pay off his bills.
So however you may feel about politics, some day you or your family might be the people that need help in a hard time. We certainly did not ask for this to happen, so all I can hope for now is healthcare reform that prevents anyone's family from going poor due to an accident.

Me & my daddy

The Best of My Summer Reading List, and Why You Should Read Them Too

bib·li·o·phile/ˈbiblēəˌfīl/

Noun:

A person who collects or has a great love of books.

I love reading. Always have. Ever since I first learned to read, I've pretty much constantly had a reading list a mile long. That's a big part of the reason I want to become an English teacher, so I can help other kids realize that reading can be fun. I recently got my boyfriend (who has read a total of like 4 books in his life) addicted to The Hunger Games trilogy, and if I can make him like reading, I'm pretty sure I can convert anyone to a reader. This summer I read just under two dozen, but I thought I'd share some of my favorites with my lovely followers. Best Book that was Turned into a MovieThe Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey EugenidesI loved the way this was written, I loved the story (albeit morbid), and I loved the characters. It was so creative and so different than anything I've read that it really stuck with me and I found myself constantly thinking about it or wanting to talk about it. After I finished the book, I watched the movie, starring Kirsten Dunst and Josh Hartnett. As far as movie adaptations go, it was great. I wasn't expecting much going into it, but it really portrayed the book well. That being said, I'd still definitely read it before you watch it: the book is always better than the movie. "In the end, the tortures tearing the Lisbon girls pointed to a simple reasoned refusal to accept the world as it was handed down to them, so full of flaws." The Book You Should Read NowThe Silver Linings Playbook by Matthew QuickI'm not gonna lie, I ordered this book because of Jennifer Lawrence. This book is being turned into a movie starring her and Bradley Cooper, and being a huge Jenny Lawrence fan, I watched the trailer when it first came out and thought it looked really great. As far as the book goes, it took me a few pages to get used to Quick's style, but when I did I really loved the story. Mental illness is a difficult topic that Quick manages to handle gracefully. Now I'm anxiously awaiting the film's premiere! “Life is not a PG feel-good movie. Real life often ends badly. Literature tries to document this reality, while showing us it is still possible for us to endure nobly.” The Book That Made Me Wish Mindy Kaling Was My Best FriendIs Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) by Mindy KalingYou might know her as Kelly from The Office, but this book proves she's so much more than that. I would go as far as to say this was the best book I've read all summer. Sure, it's not an instant literary classic, but it was so honest. It made me LITERALLY laugh out loud. I read the majority of it sitting on my boyfriend's couch and stopping after every story to tell him something funny Mindy said, like I know her personally. And that's honestly the main outcome of this book: you will feel like Mindy Kaling is your new BFF. I highly recommend following her on Twitter as well: she's just as charming in 140 characters or less as she is in this collection of essays. “I’m the kind of person who would rather get my hopes really high and watch them get dashed to pieces than wisely keep my expectations at bay and hope they are exceeded. This quality has made me a needy and theatrical friend, but has given me a spectacularly dramatic emotional life.”